Never trust the silent ones

Well, here goes my first and perhaps misguided foray into the slightly pushy (for others) yet unapologetically self-affirming (for me) world of blogging
Pushy because I always wondered, with what I assume was an intelligently questioning look but let’s be honest here I probably looked like someone who couldn’t make up her mind about what to have for lunch, how so many other humans have been blessed with the confidence to put their thoughts into words and then lay it bare for all to see AND judge.

Anyone who knows me would state for a fact that I suffer from an almost inhuman need for validation, closely bordering on desperation. This coupled with the crippling sense of anxiety I sometimes experience just by being placed in a simple setting with my peers, such as college, have resulted in me neglecting to write a single word even though I have loved and enjoyed writing from the age of 12.

At that carefree age, I actually used to be quite consistent in jotting down short stories because as I said, I had a bit of a blasè attitude before this decade commenced. The most vivid memory was one of me penning down an essay titled ‘A Day At The Zoo’ and hiding in our teeny tiny corridor as my little sister snatched the page and ran to my father with it. With bated breath, I waited for his comment and was unstintingly rewarded upon hearing that at the age of 12, I write better than some of his colleagues. Mind you, he was a journalist in an english daily back then. Quite a huge boost to my childlike ego as you can gather from how vivid and fresh those 3 minutes are in my mind 10 years later.

Well that already negligible ego proceeded to have itself shattered into even more miniscule pieces through my teen years, courtesy of growing up in an indian household where not being an overachiever is blasphemous. Between cousins getting free medical seats and classmates jetting off to study at columbia, I felt thoroughly mediocre.

I always suspected I just might have the capability of writing that nonsensical yet quirky stuff which people seem to get a kick out of reading. Unfortunately, self development prohibited it.

This is not to be confused to mean that I have suddenly achieved a great sense of self-confidence or that I don’t panic at the thought of arriving late to class and being under intense scrutiny by classmates,who in all fairness, mess up as often as I do ( though i should be fair and concede that that scrutiny lasts all of 5 seconds)

But after a bit of valuable introspection ( that easily stretched between the last 3-5 years ) i’ve managed to marginally accept the fact that this is me. The “kadhwa sacch” is I am a brooding, self-deprecating and more often than not, extremely annoying person to live with. Sure sure I might have some good qualities too, but to avoid both the risk of seeming like an insufferable ass alongwith just plain boring you, i’ll graciously refrain from listing those here. God knows I struggle with second-hand embarassment when people pretentiously boast on and on about their greatness. On second thought, maybe i’m just lowkey jealous because I could never pull that off, courtesy of that old shattered-but-in-the-process-of-mending-itself ego.

Now I can promise you a few things now that i’ve finally decided to start writing. First off, I promise to never be regular. Next, I will only be mildly interesting at the best of times as I don’t have many great life experiences of international holidaying or gripping near-death experiences to share with you. Nor will I write about any political crises in the world because there are a million people who can be much more philosophical and wise about all that. Instead, I am going to stick to real-life incidents like the 3-minute episode listed above which, despite being so seemingly normal, have established a place for themselves in my memories for some inconceivable reason. Or maybe i’ll just rant and ramble on aimlessly(you have been warned)

Special mention and a word of thanks accompanied by a kick to the shin for my unhinged cousin,ms. For inspiring me to be as useless as her and finally convincing me that i can write utter nonsense and get away with it. For real though, you do have some frackin’ good writing skills ( in case I never mentioned between all the name-calling)

Cheers.